Lists

Meanest Animals 

1, Swans
Especially, but not limited to, those in a city park.
2, Chimpanzees
Lab animals only.
3, Bears
Only those in back-country areas that are 7 feet tall or taller.
4, Cassowaries
Because of their strong legs and talons.

Ways Sam Does Not Want to Die

1, Burning
2, Dismemberment
By any means (chopping, grinding, tearing, etc.).
3, Snake attack
Does not matter if the snake is actually venomous.
3(b), Cooked at a detoxification spa
“Almost a dead heat, um, sorry, a tie with snake attack. (Shudder.)” “Not a shot in hell I would agree to this.”
4, Being eaten by a sperm whale
“I don’t care for this at all.”
5, Having all bodily fluids sucked out by a giant, radioactive sea snail*
Rates low only because it “seems unlikely.”
6, Valley fever
“A fungal infection of the lungs. Put it on the list, I don’t want this either.”
6.5, By way of hippo
“I’m going to assume, based on this small, horrific account, that I don’t need/want to read the full-blown article. But add this to the list: do not want to die by way of hippo.”
7, Fall into a sinkhole
This is “another way I do NOT want to go.”
* As in the 1957 motion picture, “The Monster That Challenged the World.”

Advice From Sam

  1. If your job description can easily be associated with the phrase “cheating death,” it is time to look for a new line of work.
  2. The last game you win is the most important one.
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3 thoughts on “Lists

  1. Pingback: Another Way Sam Does Not Want to Die | Patos Papa

  2. Pingback: ‘Relaxing to Death’ | Patos Papa

  3. Pingback: Mets Are Tired of It Already | Patos Papa

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