- 1, Swans
- Especially, but not limited to, those in a city park.
- 2, Chimpanzees
- Lab animals only.
- 3, Bears
- Only those in back-country areas that are 7 feet tall or taller.
- 4, Cassowaries
- Because of their strong legs and talons.
Ways Sam Does Not Want to Die
- 1, Burning
- 2, Dismemberment
- By any means (chopping, grinding, tearing, etc.).
- 3, Snake attack
- Does not matter if the snake is actually venomous.
- 3(b), Cooked at a detoxification spa
- “Almost a dead heat, um, sorry, a tie with snake attack. (Shudder.)” “Not a shot in hell I would agree to this.”
- 4, Being eaten by a sperm whale
- “I don’t care for this at all.”
- 5, Having all bodily fluids sucked out by a giant, radioactive sea snail*
- Rates low only because it “seems unlikely.”
- 6, Valley fever
- “A fungal infection of the lungs. Put it on the list, I don’t want this either.”
- 6.5, By way of hippo
- “I’m going to assume, based on this small, horrific account, that I don’t need/want to read the full-blown article. But add this to the list: do not want to die by way of hippo.”
- 7, Fall into a sinkhole
- This is “another way I do NOT want to go.”
- * As in the 1957 motion picture, “The Monster That Challenged the World.”
Advice From Sam
- If your job description can easily be associated with the phrase “cheating death,” it is time to look for a new line of work.
- The last game you win is the most important one.