Rebel Without a Clause


8:47 AM Bob: Stole coffee from board room…went with breafast blend…and apple…

9:02 AM Me: Stole? So I’m Cool Uncle. You’re the Degenerate?

9:03 AM Bob: …rebel…

9:07 AM Me: Right. Rebel. Criminal. Reprobate.

9:14 AM Bob: …no fighting for little guy..why do some get free coffee…whiles others have to pay….43 cents…Kuerig vs Nescafe…I am a revolutionary…the [deleted] Farragut…tearing down the walls of privilege…between the haves and have nots…those expemt and we that are non-exempt…( could you here the battle hymn of the republic …faintly…while reading that last bit…)

9:15 AM Me: Farragut was admiral, who was fighting rebels, not supporting them. (Dummy.)

9:16 AM Me: Battle Hymn was Union anthem, also not a rebel thing but a law and order thing. Evoking Grant, Sherman, etc. Repression. Farms and homes ablaze.

9:17 AM Me: But, OK. You’re a rebel. Who else did you give the fancy coffee to? Who are the Have Nots you are uplifting?

9:22 AM Bob: …duh…I was attempting to describe my actions …as those…adverse to the repercussions for getting caught…

9:23 AM Me: Adverse? Or averse? Should I send you some dictionaries and history books for your birthday?

9:24 AM Me: But back to the point, Msr. Danton. Who else did you give coffee to? Or are you pigging it yourself??

9:25 AM Bob: Baby steps…baby steps…first the spark…then the kindling…then the log…lead by esample…sow the seeds…for equality…on the second floor…

9:31 AM Me: Yes. So. Dumb, thieving rebel uncle?

11:18 AM Bob: Wait…just…secured…cart of sodas…from the R&D conferance room…and distributed them to…the minions in the lab…keeping nothing for myself…

11:28 AM Me: That’s step. But really more like Robin Hood. Not Kerensky, you know, or Jefferson. Perhaps Robespierre, but with more guillotine and no politics.

11:30 AM Bob: Lincoln Leadership Team has catered luncheon…tomorrow…I think I will spirit away dessert table to customer service folks…need to work out logistics…will keep you posted

11:45 AM Bob: Just scored…sugarless gum from…associate director of quality systems desk…left calling card…thanking him for contribution towards the cause…

11:52 AM Me: So, not Robin Hood as much as Ronald McDonald?

11:53 AM Bob: Sh-h-h-h…the pilot lab guys are curious as to my presence…


We Are Gathered Here to Pay Our Respects to the Nearly Departed

[01/09/2015 8:30 PM Bob: 3 degrees…in [deleted] ….maybe 10 below overnight…so no coyote hunting…brother in law…is a big giant….pussy…

[01/09/2015 8:31 PM Me: You should not be out in weather like that. Your circulation.

[01/09/2015 8:34 PM Bob: Circulation just fine…brother in law …is a bitch…and three sheets to the wind…dropped his rifle in the snow…after retrieving it from behind the bar…at the [deleted]…now he cant get his cigarette lit

[01/09/2015 8:35 PM Bob: Now we have a number of drunks…recommending the best way to get snow out

[01/09/2015 8:38 PM Me: You think it’s fine, but your condition says otherwise. Anyway, I wonder if you should be handling firearms with drunk people.

[01/09/2015 8:38 PM Bob: Geez-zuz…and it was loaded the whole flipp’in time….beam me up Scotty…

[01/09/2015 8:40 PM Bob: Nope…no worries the dip that shot himself in his thigh during conceal and carry class has just rendered the weapon safe…but now the bolt is in the snow…me thinks I ‘ll stroll down to [deleted]…and have a salad…

[01/09/2015 8:43 PM Me: Are you wearing warm clothes?

[01/09/2015 8:55 PM Bob: …layers…plus remaining blubber…I am find…and brisk walking pace…

[01/09/2015 8:59 PM Me: You should be in bed.

[01/09/2015 9:59 PM Bob: Salad over…walked back….didnt get shot…

7:51 AM Me: All fingers and toes, too?

7:52 AM Bob: Yes

7:56 AM Me: So, let’s review. You were carousing with gun nuts, drinking alcohol, and walking around in cold. You ruined Christmas. And you want me to bring my young son to visit?

7:58 AM Bob: …no…no…ate salad…carousing…and ruined Christmas…and yes…I could be the “colorful” uncle…

7:59 AM Me: OK. I’ll go with that. Colorful Uncle. Has toes amputated. Is shot in face. Dies early.

8:02 AM Me: We’ll miss you… Well… I will, anyway. Me, for sure. Maybe [deleted]. You still have work to do on the rest.

8:04 AM Bob: Yes…yes…maybe…you could …collect and bind…colorful stories…a few pictures….

8:06 AM Bob: Include…diarama…or two…

8:09 AM Me: Of course. It goes without saying. You would be important part of the lore of the New York [deleted]s. And I want to emphasize that I would be bereft.

8:10 AM Bob: Thanks…I will start today to bolster…the legend…

8:11 AM Me: Your experience last night, to wit. A rich trove of material. You know, I could tell him how his uncle, before he died, used to go drinking in rural towns. With maniacs. And lived, most of the time, to live the tale.

8:12 AM Me: How his youth was spent seducing women, brawling at fast-food restaurants, and failing to fulfill his athletic promise. How he loved to ski and sail, but never really did either. How he loved to talk about books, famous authors, but never really read.

8:16 AM Me: OMAHA — Bob [deleted], a pot-craving polymath who excelled at never really excelling at anything, died Saturday after a long, frigid night of drinking and fox hunting. He was 55. It was said that he was shot in the face, but Mr. [deleted], a diabetic, had had so many facial amputations that authorities could not confirm the report.

8:19 AM Me: Handsome in his youth, spherical by middle age, Mr. [deleted] possessed a singular charm, and was long known as an amiable, avuncular companion. His interests were diverse, if dilatory. And he was probably the best housewife in [deleted].

8:20 AM Me: We’ll call that the B-matter. I can keep it fresh as we go, so keep those stories coming.

It Could Be Worse


via National Weather Service Watch Warning Advisory Summary.

7:56 P.M. Samantha
Hey, Dear! How’s things?

7:57 P.M. John

7:58 P.M. Samantha
Excellent! Would be nice to actually be swimming in this heat.

7:58 P.M. John
I bought a new fan. We have four now. Come over in the afternoon, and it sounds like you are on a B-17. …The weather guys are missing so much. Yesterday, was an advisory. Today was way worse. What gives?

8:00 P.M. Samantha
No kidding. It was like walking into the sun today.

8:01 P.M. John
Fun fact. It is actually hotter thousands-thousands of miles away from the sun than it is on the surface itself. So, you know, if you can make it there, it gets better.

8:01 P.M. Samantha
Well that’s a relief!

Suspicion and the Temporary Office

[11:08 AM] Bob : Subject: …I got a door…

[11:22 AM] Me: Hospital room?

[12:15 PM] Bob : …transitional office…’till my new cube is ready….imagine coming to work after a week of blowing off phone calls and emails …and you go to your desk to find…nothing…not even a note telling where you are supposed to go….

[12:16 PM] Me: Sound like you have some jokers in your office

[12:20 PM] Bob : …just shut and locked my door….

[12:22 PM] Me: Do you smell almonds, kinda bitter smell?

[12:22 PM] Me: See smoke? Hear a hissing sound?

[12:23 PM] Me: Did anyone offer to buy you anything you want for lunch?

[12:23 PM] Bob : …just opened it… freedom.

Open a Beer and Solve for F

[9:00 AM] Me: Add and simplify. That’s a contradiction to anyone but a mathematician.

[9:03 AM] Bob : …but by adding you reduce the the size of the group considered…reducing the total number…thus simplified…to a new number representing the sum as opposed to the two or more considered before…simple…1+1…simplified to 2

[9:04 AM] Me: By adding, you fill a shelf in the backroom.

[9:05 AM] Bob : …not if you drink ‘em fast enough…

[9:05 AM] Me: Right

[9:06 AM] Bob : …burp…

[9:47 AM] Me: Here’s a question. Why is everything quadratic equations? And what are those good for? Who uses them?

[10:03 AM] Bob : …geometry…plots …ma’ boy …plots…turn that sucker upside down and….wa la….sigma curves….used for a whole host of statistical process control …and trending….so one can see where they are ….and where they are going and if they want to go there….and its old school…solving two problems at once….etc…good stuff

[10:04 AM] Me: OK. Then. Why is it important to factor them?

[10:05 AM] Bob : …I will…might use…computer software that perfoms…ba’ zillions of quad calc’….for discovering spikes….in trending …customer complaints….

[10:05 AM] Me: Oh, and btw, I’m solving for F right now.

[10:06 AM] Bob : …no….f(x)….

[10:07 AM] Me: No, F. C=5/9*(F-32)

[10:08 AM] Bob : ….that’s not a quadratic….don’t you have an app for that…

[10:09 AM] Bob : …its linear…

[10:09 AM] Me: It’s not a quadratic. Very good.

[10:09 AM] Me: You will be good at this some day

In Other News: ‘Death by Sinkhole’

John [7:36 PM]:
EVASTOPOL, March 12 (RIA Novosti) – Three of the Ukrainian navy’s “killer” dolphins that swam away from their handlers during training exercises probably left to look for mates, an expert said on Tuesday.

Samantha [7:37 PM]:
I realize this isn’t the takeaway here, but killer dolphins?

John [7:37 PM]:
I guess drones weren’t evil enough.

Samantha [7:38 PM]:
In other news, and a little late, I would like to add that death by sinkhole is another way I do NOT want to go.

John [7:39 PM]:
Sinkhole? I think I heard something about that. But a new one, right? Did it open up under Paul Ryan?

Samantha [7:40 PM]:
Ha! Dare to dream. Well, there was the one in Florida, but it’s Florida … then one on a golf course in Illinois!! But the golfer was OK.

Mihal said he was completely surprised when the ground gave way beneath him. “It didn’t look unstable,” he said. “And then I was gone. I was just freefalling. It felt like forever, but it was just a second or two, and I didn’t know what I was going to hit. And all I saw was darkness.”

via Golfer OK after sinkhole scare on Illinois course – ESPN.

John [7:40 PM]:
Ye gods. There was a thing on the wires about one in D.C., but it turned out to be kind of a hoax. Hole was only three feet deep.

…the districts Alert DC warned of “a large sinkhole” that was “described as 25 feet deep and expanding from east to west.” City crews then closed a street. But a D.C. transportation official later told the Washington City Paper that the hole was only 3 to 4 feet deep…

via D.C. sinkhole less than meets the hype.

Samantha [7:42 PM]:
Unless you are a toddler, that hardly seems a problem.

John [7:43 PM]:
Well. You aren’t the tallest lady on the runway. I’d be concerned if I heard about a three-foot sinkhole and then was unable to raise you by text.

Samantha [7:44 PM]:
Ha! All fair points.

John [7:44 PM]:
Tell you what. From now on. I am carrying three feet of rope with me. Everywhere. So I can yank you out of any trouble.

Samantha [7:45 PM]:
What would I do without you.

John [7:45 PM]:
For one thing, you’d spend a long time in that hole.

Samantha [7:46 PM]:
Isn’t that the truth.

1 in 175,223,510

[9:17 PM] Me: Jesus. You do a lot of the stupid, don’t you?

[10:48 PM] Bob: …can’t tell you….

[10:48 PM] Me: Poor kid

[10:49 PM] Bob: …but if you win the lottery….

[10:49 PM] Me: -If- I play the lottery, you mean

[11:05 PM] Bob: …no …no…don’t tell me that…just say yes…yes…..I have to work with stupid….my god …I had to listen to [stuff deleted] and I was able to keep from laughing…..pretty good poker face…..

[11:06 PM] Bob: so don’t tell me you don’t play…come back with some crap about matching a powerball or …only missing by two digits….and add something about statistics…and probability….how if the moon is in the first quarter and your turd pointed katt-i-wumpus….and were sure to be in the money soon….not reality….

[11:16 PM] Me: I don’t play. And it’s wrong to lie, to such a good soul as you. So. You’ll just have to suffer and realize that you’ll never be able to retire early.

[11:18 PM] Me: :-)

[11:20 PM] Bob: ….really…I get to work for colosul butt heads and you send me a :-)….awesome….Happy Brothers Day….to me…

[7:02 AM] Me: And Happy Brothers Day to me!

New Year Inventory

[8:00 AM] Me: Did you get any taller last year?

[9:11 AM] Bob: …nope…..but I didn’t get any shorter…either…

[9:11 AM] Me: Smarter?

[10:02 AM] Bob: …da-a-a-ah….

[10:03 AM] Me: I see. Well, we’ll settle for, Still has four limbs.

‘That Horrible, Icy Hell Hole!’

[10:43 AM] Bob Subject: …glassing for coyotes…got some weather coming in should be a good day for it …almost out of coffee…and ate last donut hole….just sunflower seeds now…

[11:02 AM] Me: Have you been kidnapped?

[11:04 AM] Bob Subject: …looking south towards branched oak lake….low clouds….21 degrees… …$50….bounty….


[11:11 AM] Me: $50? All your kidnappers want is $50? Tell I’ll pay it! If only they free you from that horrible, icy hell hole!

[11:14 AM] Bob Subject: ….sun is trying to poke through….

[11:14 AM] Me: Don’t worry. I’ll send help. Just try to survive. I know it’s awful, cold. Lonely. But I won’t forget you. …I’ve got the $50. Just cooperate. Please, God, let nothing happen to my dear brother!

[11:19 AM] Bob …oh bye the bye…the Norma ammunition we are using in the .243….is a gift to dad from uncle Pat…legend has it it was liberated from Mexican drug dealers…circa 1962..

[11:20 AM] Me: Wait. Your captors are elderly Mexican narcos? Can’t you just escape during nap time? Siesta should be in about three hours. Can you hold out till then?

[11:21 AM] Me: Bob? Bob? Can you hold out till then?

[11:22 AM] Me: (oh, I hope the old drug dealers haven’t killed my dear brother.)

[11:22 AM] Me: Bob?!

[11:26 AM] Me: … Officer, if you’re reading this, the dismembered body you found this phone on is my brother. Be gentle. Also, ship his watch to me in Brooklyn. He’d have wanted me to have it

[11:27 AM] Bob Subject: ….east…towards Ashland


[11:27 AM] Me: You’re alive! Please have the grace to excuse my comments about your watch. I was sick with grief.
[11:28 AM] Bob …Casio Pathfinder…

[11:28 AM] Me: But now I know you’re alive. Let’s get you home, away from all that bleak ice and snow

[11:33 AM] Bob Subject: …pee break….

[11:33 AM] Me: So you’re being well treated? Geneva Convention, at least?

[11:35 AM] Me: Bob?

[11:44 AM] Me: Did you escape?

[11:45 AM] Me: Are you free?

[12:01 PM] Bob Subject: …Valpariaso Ne….looks like everybody is bailing….to hang at Harry’s

[12:01 PM] Me: Phew! Civilization. So glad. Hope you’re OK

[1:49 PM] Bob Subject: …and home…

[3:07 PM] Me: Phew.

[3:08 PM] Me: So what’d you learn during your ordeal?

[3:15 PM] Bob …adventure….don’t shoot coyotes closer then 100 yds….with thin skinned bullets….

[3:29 PM] Me: Well, good.

[3:29 PM] Me: I’ll keep the ransom money, just in case. Ok?


325px-Abbott_and_Costello[1:46 PM] Me: Thank you, thank you. So. My brother. Did I tell you? He got a motorcycle. And it was hard for him to find a helmet, his head’s so big. Finally, he had one made. By the Weber Grill Company.

[1:48 PM] Me: Good news is, in the summer, he gets two burgers per mile.

[3:01 PM] Me: So. That was good, right?

[3:03 PM] Bob ….yeah…the girls loved it….hey…maybe we could go on the road…we could be the new Abbot and Costello…chick…chi…chi…chick….whoa…chi-i-ick….

[3:04 PM] Me: Whew. That means you know you’re the fat one.

[10:36 PM] Bob …yes….yes…the enduring funny one….