We Are Gathered Here to Pay Our Respects to the Nearly Departed

[01/09/2015 8:30 PM Bob: 3 degrees…in [deleted] ….maybe 10 below overnight…so no coyote hunting…brother in law…is a big giant….pussy…

[01/09/2015 8:31 PM Me: You should not be out in weather like that. Your circulation.

[01/09/2015 8:34 PM Bob: Circulation just fine…brother in law …is a bitch…and three sheets to the wind…dropped his rifle in the snow…after retrieving it from behind the bar…at the [deleted]…now he cant get his cigarette lit

[01/09/2015 8:35 PM Bob: Now we have a number of drunks…recommending the best way to get snow out

[01/09/2015 8:38 PM Me: You think it’s fine, but your condition says otherwise. Anyway, I wonder if you should be handling firearms with drunk people.

[01/09/2015 8:38 PM Bob: Geez-zuz…and it was loaded the whole flipp’in time….beam me up Scotty…

[01/09/2015 8:40 PM Bob: Nope…no worries the dip that shot himself in his thigh during conceal and carry class has just rendered the weapon safe…but now the bolt is in the snow…me thinks I ‘ll stroll down to [deleted]…and have a salad…

[01/09/2015 8:43 PM Me: Are you wearing warm clothes?

[01/09/2015 8:55 PM Bob: …layers…plus remaining blubber…I am find…and brisk walking pace…

[01/09/2015 8:59 PM Me: You should be in bed.

[01/09/2015 9:59 PM Bob: Salad over…walked back….didnt get shot…

7:51 AM Me: All fingers and toes, too?

7:52 AM Bob: Yes

7:56 AM Me: So, let’s review. You were carousing with gun nuts, drinking alcohol, and walking around in cold. You ruined Christmas. And you want me to bring my young son to visit?

7:58 AM Bob: …no…no…ate salad…carousing…and ruined Christmas…and yes…I could be the “colorful” uncle…

7:59 AM Me: OK. I’ll go with that. Colorful Uncle. Has toes amputated. Is shot in face. Dies early.

8:02 AM Me: We’ll miss you… Well… I will, anyway. Me, for sure. Maybe [deleted]. You still have work to do on the rest.

8:04 AM Bob: Yes…yes…maybe…you could …collect and bind…colorful stories…a few pictures….

8:06 AM Bob: Include…diarama…or two…

8:09 AM Me: Of course. It goes without saying. You would be important part of the lore of the New York [deleted]s. And I want to emphasize that I would be bereft.

8:10 AM Bob: Thanks…I will start today to bolster…the legend…

8:11 AM Me: Your experience last night, to wit. A rich trove of material. You know, I could tell him how his uncle, before he died, used to go drinking in rural towns. With maniacs. And lived, most of the time, to live the tale.

8:12 AM Me: How his youth was spent seducing women, brawling at fast-food restaurants, and failing to fulfill his athletic promise. How he loved to ski and sail, but never really did either. How he loved to talk about books, famous authors, but never really read.

8:16 AM Me: OMAHA — Bob [deleted], a pot-craving polymath who excelled at never really excelling at anything, died Saturday after a long, frigid night of drinking and fox hunting. He was 55. It was said that he was shot in the face, but Mr. [deleted], a diabetic, had had so many facial amputations that authorities could not confirm the report.

8:19 AM Me: Handsome in his youth, spherical by middle age, Mr. [deleted] possessed a singular charm, and was long known as an amiable, avuncular companion. His interests were diverse, if dilatory. And he was probably the best housewife in [deleted].

8:20 AM Me: We’ll call that the B-matter. I can keep it fresh as we go, so keep those stories coming.