‘That Horrible, Icy Hell Hole!’

[10:43 AM] Bob Subject: …glassing for coyotes…got some weather coming in should be a good day for it …almost out of coffee…and ate last donut hole….just sunflower seeds now…

[11:02 AM] Me: Have you been kidnapped?

[11:04 AM] Bob Subject: …looking south towards branched oak lake….low clouds….21 degrees… …$50….bounty….


[11:11 AM] Me: $50? All your kidnappers want is $50? Tell I’ll pay it! If only they free you from that horrible, icy hell hole!

[11:14 AM] Bob Subject: ….sun is trying to poke through….

[11:14 AM] Me: Don’t worry. I’ll send help. Just try to survive. I know it’s awful, cold. Lonely. But I won’t forget you. …I’ve got the $50. Just cooperate. Please, God, let nothing happen to my dear brother!

[11:19 AM] Bob …oh bye the bye…the Norma ammunition we are using in the .243….is a gift to dad from uncle Pat…legend has it it was liberated from Mexican drug dealers…circa 1962..

[11:20 AM] Me: Wait. Your captors are elderly Mexican narcos? Can’t you just escape during nap time? Siesta should be in about three hours. Can you hold out till then?

[11:21 AM] Me: Bob? Bob? Can you hold out till then?

[11:22 AM] Me: (oh, I hope the old drug dealers haven’t killed my dear brother.)

[11:22 AM] Me: Bob?!

[11:26 AM] Me: … Officer, if you’re reading this, the dismembered body you found this phone on is my brother. Be gentle. Also, ship his watch to me in Brooklyn. He’d have wanted me to have it

[11:27 AM] Bob Subject: ….east…towards Ashland


[11:27 AM] Me: You’re alive! Please have the grace to excuse my comments about your watch. I was sick with grief.
[11:28 AM] Bob …Casio Pathfinder…

[11:28 AM] Me: But now I know you’re alive. Let’s get you home, away from all that bleak ice and snow

[11:33 AM] Bob Subject: …pee break….

[11:33 AM] Me: So you’re being well treated? Geneva Convention, at least?

[11:35 AM] Me: Bob?

[11:44 AM] Me: Did you escape?

[11:45 AM] Me: Are you free?

[12:01 PM] Bob Subject: …Valpariaso Ne….looks like everybody is bailing….to hang at Harry’s

[12:01 PM] Me: Phew! Civilization. So glad. Hope you’re OK

[1:49 PM] Bob Subject: …and home…

[3:07 PM] Me: Phew.

[3:08 PM] Me: So what’d you learn during your ordeal?

[3:15 PM] Bob …adventure….don’t shoot coyotes closer then 100 yds….with thin skinned bullets….

[3:29 PM] Me: Well, good.

[3:29 PM] Me: I’ll keep the ransom money, just in case. Ok?