‘The Ape Faction Totally Up in Arms’

English: Sasquatch Yeti Bigfoot Bugerbear Yowie

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sasquatch nuclear DNA, Ketchum said, “is incredibly novel and not at all what we had expected.”

via DNA study suggests Bigfoot exists | Statesman Journal | statesmanjournal.com.

Not what you expected?!

What was it?

“It’s people!” cried Charlton Heston’s unnerved character in the motion picture “Soylent Green.” And so have cryptozoologists on receipt of the news, reported with seeming sincerity by a newspaper in Salem, Ore., that an apparently serious, peer-reviewed study of so-called Sasquatch DNA had been leaked ahead of its anticipated release, revealing the creatures to be “a hybrid of a human with unknown species.”

The report contains several bombshells, not including the assumption that such creatures actually exist.

•From 109 samples — hair, tissue, blood and saliva; but, I am guessing, no intact Sasquatches — it was surmised that the animals fall “in the realm of human,” as one bigfoot hunter said. (That means you, mister.)

•Sasquatches are apparently, definitively, the result of a pairing at some time in the last 15,000 years of a homo sapien female with a male of an unknown species, confirming the widely-held belief among male cryptozoologists that some dames simply can’t keep their hands off a really rugged man. “The male that procreated is unidentifiable,” said the former veterinarian who organized the research, leading her fellow female cryptozoologists to retort, Isn’t that just like a man?

•Thirteen laboratories around the world — 13! — were said to have participated in the research. That means there are 13 awkwardly-written press releases yet to be written. And 13 laboratory budgets yet to be defended from the criticism of 13 skeptical, head-scratching governing boards.

•Finally, the news has fatally ruptured an already restive “Bigfoot-believing community,” leading to hair-raising recriminations as researchers trample long-held opinions.

As one writer put it, the news “has the ape faction totally up in arms.”

These folks have, again, I am guessing, argued for years that Sasquatches are more ape than human in bald defiance of the (guessing!) probably-hairier-than-normal folks dragging their knuckles and claiming that the creatures are more like people. “They can’t back away from that,” the writer said.

No, they can’t. But there are more important things to consider.

News of intact Sasquatch genomes — apparently, lab workers were able to sequence three of them — has cryptozoologists already concerned for the well-being of the never-seen-or-captured creatures. A few mused about the potential array of federal protections that could be legislated. At least one correctly surmised that some people will want to kill even imaginary monsters.

“Because there’s going to be that faction out there, too.”