Junior High Joke Edition

IN OUR LEAD STORY, scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have figured out how to prevent spilled coffee from leaving a ring behind on your table. (Who knew they were trying to figure that out?!) The physical forces that create such stains have long been understood; physicists first did the math in 1997. But now caffeine-quaffing Quakers are running rings around the problem. Apparently, coffee leaves a ring because, as it dries, the angle between the liquid at the edge of the spill and the surface decreases. A “radial capillary flow” is created that forces the generally spherical coffee schmutz to the edge, and that forms the telltale stain. At Penn, the presumably-jittery scientists discovered that “ellipsoidal coffee particles resist the flow,” meaning they remain “more or less evenly distributed” — i.e., harder to see after drying. — Beating the coffee ring effect for smooth coatings – Ars Technica

IN THE DEPARTMENT of You Don’t Want to Drive Your Car Through That Department, a load of frozen bull semen slipped off a Greyhound bus earlier this week in Tennessee, briefly causing a scare and shutting down a highway until emergency workers realized what it was, which briefly caused them all to say, “Ew.” — Bull semen spill causes scare, closes highway | Reuters

CAUSING FURTHER SOPHOMORIC chuckles was a man in Mesa, Ariz., who was arrested after being caught on video steal snakes from a pet store by stuffing them down his pants. Twice. Our ballsy snake-loving hero used his loot to acquire money and a reptile tank from another pet store. — Mesa man suspected of stealing snakes stuffed in his pants

AND, THIS IS JUST GROSS. The Web site or blog or whatever DIY Life advises that you use mayonnaise to repair cracks in wood furniture. (I know!) “Wipe away the excess,” the Web site says, helpfully, “and let it sit for a one to three days.” Apparently, this is not crackpottery but honest-to-god science, and the advice is repeated the length and breadth of the Web. The idea is that the natural yecch in the mayo will cause the wood around the crack to swell, which just might close the gap far enough so you will not notice. Use a B.L.T. to wipe off the excess, then polish to a shine! — Fix Scratches in Wood – DIY Life